A Question Posed

Going about out day, we are bound to be faced with the monotony of questions. Benign questions such as "How are you?"

"Do you have a second?"

"Can you be somewhere at this time and place?"

I could go on. But you know, a very peculiar question was posed to me today. One that completely caught me off guard and got me to stop and think--which to be honest is something I haven't done enough in a while. That particular query, you might be wondering, was "How have you become a better version of yourself in the past year?"

Cruise control Jake wanted to simply respond 'Yes' and  be on my way. But that little voice inside my head was chiming ever so loud. Really, practically screaming to reflect and expound on the question. Before I really could resist, the flood gates self awareness and reflection burst through and so many thoughts began flooding my fragile little brain. Along with a quip I read once among the plethora of quote books packed away in boxes back home.

 "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." (Charles Swindol uttered that little bit by the way). I faced quite a bit of hurdles growing up-some of it beyond my control and others were internal battles-yet, whether it was through blind luck or  having someone hold my hand through the storm, I always found myself moving and/or stumbling forward. Among the '10%' of life happenstances that Charles Swindol mentions, I thought losing both of my parents to cancer would be the greatest challenge I would face. I could've easily crumbled. In a way I did. But there was no turning back--they were both gone and not coming back. I either had to carry on or didn't. And so, I did, and ultimately necessity made me a better individual.. But when I found out a little over a year ago now that I would be father, it was news in which so many conflicting and simultaneous emotions punched like a heavyweight champion fighter at once; shock, disbelief yet this surreal giddiness. Perhaps most importantly the realization that while I may have had choices in the past to quit or to merely 'go with the flow', this was the first time in my life where I had no choice but to become better person because now I would have a little one counting on me to be their Daddy.

Fatherhood has been brief thus far, only becoming official last September, but it has been one that even on the days when I have quiet panic attacks of gloom and doom or failure, I merely need to see my daughter's smile on her face to be quickly reminded that I have no regrets. If there are any regrets to be had it's that I haven't spent more time with her as I would prefer. Currently, on top of working 40+ hours at Arkansas State I also work nearly an additional 28 hours a week at my other job, all for the well being of my little Presley.

Baseball seems like a perfect analogy: We're all stepping up to the great plate known as life. Life might throw curve balls, and while some may accept they've struck out after a couple of swings, I'm the annoying right-hand batter continuously hitting foul balls and pop ups behind the stand; sometimes in desperation, I might even step into the pitch because I know I have to make it on base for my little girl. Going back to the bench in failure is the worst. While I may eventually strike out, I know it's how I choose to proceed and what I'm going to do from that point forward is what makes me a better player, and thus, a better person.

My deep reflection probably could've continued on for way longer than it already had, but I snapped back into reality and I simply offered this response: Do I feel I'm a better person now than I was before? Absolutely. And I have no doubt come five to ten years from now I'll be an even better person then, because I will choose to be: for my family and for myself.